Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
