Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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