Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She needs sedatives and a leash
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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