dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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