and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
