Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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