do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
