The maid of honor just puked.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I think my moral compass just broke
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