At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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