laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
