Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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