A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
