my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
