if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
