Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
