I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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