I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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