I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
