Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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