I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
