You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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