I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
