you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
