i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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