1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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