Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
