you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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