just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
