She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize