I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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