Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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