My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
