Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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