So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't deserve a penis
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
