hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
