I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
cat food counts as protein by the way
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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