member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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