I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
vagina is talking i cant
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
