OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
