can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
