It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
