How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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