You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
