so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize