The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
