I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
