I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
