i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
