People in love make me want to vomit
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
