On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize