My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
