Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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