And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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