the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
