Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i think my mom watched the whole time
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
