My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Less talking, more tequila
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
