I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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