I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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