So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
