Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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